Its the gay thing, plain and simple. I cannot reconcile what I personally know to be true and what is written in the Bible and that's where the insanity begins. If the Bible really is the word of God, if it transcends everything by virtue of that fact, if I am to disregard the drastic cultural changes since the words were written, if the words about women having sex with women are written exactly, literally as they are intended, then I'm done in. If I choose to live my life like I know is right for me, then I'm conciously choosing sin. I want to live in a way that pleases God, so there is nowhere for me to be in this entire universe.
If its true, what am I supposed to do? Be alone the rest of my life? Not have someone to share my life with? Never have sex again? Constantly wonder why God would make me this way but not want to actually be it. Am I to just blindly accept this dismal situation and try to find ways to adjust, be content with my lot (ha! Lot), work at being contentedly celibate? Am I to pray and pray for a life I can stomach hoping God reveals a new purpose that doesn't include a home life? Wait to miraculously receive a miracle that will render me happy with all this? I don't want to pray about this because I don't want it.
What really, really bothers me is that there are so many "interpretations" of the Bible. If it is God's word, it should be self explanatory, no wiggle room, easy to read and be understood by all. In this world of constant updates and new versions, it would be nice if we could download Bible version 2000.1
And another thing that bothers me is that my friends have told me about other churches right here in this little town, that openly and happily accept gay people just like they are, not expecting them to change or be celibate...they'll take me just like God made me, no questions asked. I wonder why I'm not at one of those churches, where this would not even be an issue.
And now that I've said that, some readers will be thinking something like "Well, Judy, God has another plan for you. God is going to work great changes in you, just wait and see. You're going to be amazed when you read this blog entry again next year. God can do anything, including changing a confirmed, determined lesbian like you." And other readers might be thinking "Have you lost your mind, Judy? Get out of there."
So, once again, I fall back on what Bruce Miller, the pastor at Christ Fellowship told me - Is God real and is He completely trustworthy? My answer is yes. So, that is all I need to know for now while I'm on this extremely uncomfortable journey.
The preacher talked with me
and he smiled.
He said, come and walk with me,
come and walk one more mile.
Now for once in your life you're alone.
You ain't got a dime,
There's no time for the phone.
- Robin Gibb
More will be revealed. Let it be sooner than later, please.